**These are not from the book. This is original content I wrote for Facebook where Leland harasses Cassel after learning this book is about Cassel and not him.
Leland: I welcome you all here today to celebrate the loss of our dear tiny and boring being, Cassel.
Jeremy: Umm… excuse me… what?
Leland: Shh, we’re having a moment for Cassel.
Jeremy: I swear, if you did something to Cassel.
Cassel: *Bursting into the room not a hair out of place nor even breathing heavy* What the hell man? Some crazy asshole just attacked me.
Leland: What… what are you doing here?
Cassel: *Silent as understanding blooms in him* Oh… my… god. Did you hire that man to murder me?
Leland: No, he was supposed to kidnap you and tie you up and then I was going to torture you with images of Jeremy doing gross things like picking his underwear out of his ass and having a dumb look on his face.
Cassel: So… that guy? The one who… attacked me… he wasn’t an actual bad guy?
Leland: Nah, this black belt something or other that I thought could manhandle you into a chair for me.
Cassel: Oh no…
Leland: Ohhh noooo…. What… Cassel, what did you do to him?
Cassel: I didn’t not kill him if that’s what you’re thinking!
Leland: Wait so you killed him?
Cassel: No! I said, I didn’t not!
Leland: That sounds like you killed him!
Cassel: I think he’s alive… How the hell was I supposed to know it was a fucking prank?
Leland: He was supposed to tell you!
Cassel: I didn’t give him time to talk!
Leland: Then how was he going to monologue? You know bad guys have to monologue!
Cassel: I have to hear you talk enough in the day, why would I want to listen to some bad guy blab on before I kill them?
*Leland’s phone starts ringing*
Leland: It’s him… what if it’s his ten-year-old daughter calling to tell me her daddy’s… her daddy’s…
Cassel: He has a daughter? What the hell, Leland.
Leland: *Turns away to take the call*
Jeremy: *Jeremy whispering while glancing at Leland to make sure he doesn't hear* You know… we could just get rid of him. Take him out into the wilderness and just gently push him off into a raging river.
Cassel: Deal. I get to push.
Jeremy: But I wanted to push.
Cassel: Since I love you so much, we’ll push together. We can hold hands and push.
Leland: Ah, everything’s fine. Just a broken nose and a few crushed internal organs. He’ll be dandy in no time.
Cassel: Are you serious?
Leland: Nah, he’s partly fine.
Cassel: Oh, that’s amazing. I was… fuck, you had me worried.
Jeremy: Let’s do it now. Just… coerce him in the car, I’ll do the rest.
Cassel: *Nodding vigorously* Just one moment. Leland, we have something super awesome to show you. But first… can I see those pictures now?
Leland: The embarrassing ones of Jeremy?
Cassel: Yes, I love any and all pictures of Jeremy. Please.
Leland: Huh… Should have guessed I wouldn’t have to hire that guy. He was kind of pricey too with all his ten time champion blah blah karate stuff. Come, my sweet innocent man, welcome to my photography collection of Jeremy. I call it: Desperation.
Jeremy: I’m going home…
Jeremy: We’re almost there.
Leland: Why am I handcuffed?
Cassel: The better question is why not?
Leland: Where are you driving me to?
Cassel: It’s so super-secret that that I can’t share the secret or it won’t be super-secret it won’t even be secret it’ll be a non-secret.
Leland: Do you know when you’re up to shit, you ramble?
Cassel: Jeremy, help. I’m scared.
Jeremy: He’s handcuffed, blindfolded, and we’ve removed all weapons from his body. Don’t be afraid.
Leland: *Pulls out a gun* What about this one?
Cassel: Shit. *Snatches gun*
Jeremy: This is why I said to handcuff his hands in the back. That way he couldn’t reach anything while cuffed.
Cassel: Yeah, but he said his shoulder was achy and it sounded mean.
Leland: And this one? *Whips out a knife*
Jeremy: Cassel, stay focused. We have to stay focused.
Cassel: Right. I forgot. Flash me or something to help me look away. It’s so pretty. I can’t stop. Ooh, he’s pulling out another.
Leland: Wanna see what else I have in my pants?
Jeremy: And here we are. Everyone out. Come along.
Leland: I can’t walk blindfolded.
Cassel: Can I have this gun after we puusssshhhh…. Go for our walk?
Jeremy: Sure, you can have anything you want.
Leland: *Pulling out another gun* I will fuck you up so hard if you even look at my precious baby.
Cassel: And let’s go. Off on our merry walk.
Leland: Is this like a birthday surprise?
Cassel: It’s not your birthday.
Leland: Ooh, is Jackson going to be tied kinkily to a tree in his Sasquatch outfit, and the only way I can break his binds is with the power of my body?
Cassel: Yes… yessss. Totally what’s going to happy when we reach this clif—tree.
Jeremy: *Positions Leland before the cliff. Looks at Cassel and gives him the nod*
Cassel: *Whispering* I can’t push him off.
Jeremy: *Whispering back* Just a little boop.
Cassel: *Whispering that’s kind of turning into hysterical talking* Then why haven’t you booped him?
Jeremy: I can’t boop him.
Leland: Ah, did I ever tell you two that you’re both in my will and whoever kills me is removed from the will? Jeremy, I give you Jackson’s car. Cassel, I give you Jackson.
Cassel: Umm… Could I exchange Jackson for money?
Leland: No. I guess this is my grand farewell then since you both brought me here to off me out of pure jealousy.
Cassel: No! Don’t. Come on, we’re joking. We love you. *Yanks him back and pulls the blindfold off*
Leland: *Smiling* Aw that’s disgusting but come here. *Pulls Cassel into an awkward hug before shoving him off the cliff* Well… now that that’s done… it’s all about me again.
Jeremy: You know he had the keys to your handcuffs… and your precious gun.
Leland: *Gasps* No! My baby! Oh, my baby got wet!
Jeremy: *Ignores the dramatics and looks over at the edge at Cassel in the water below* You okay, babe?
Cassel: Can I shoot him?
Leland: Oh, it was like a three-foot drop into water. You’re fine. Well… you’re not fine but you weren’t fine before I pushed you. My push did nothing to change that.
Jeremy: Please just off him.
Leland: *Shoves Jeremy* And we’ll just boop you right off too.
Leland: And then there was one.
Leland definitely thinks you should read his book instead, but Cassel and I would love for you to check out Cassel’s book, The Former Assassin’s Guide to Snagging a Reluctant Boyfriend: https://mybook.to/FormerAssassinsGuide
**If you like content like this, join my reader group on Facebook, Alice Winters' Wonderland